I've been fighting my weight and my eating compulsions since my mid-twenties. I've lost alot of weight several times and then gained it back. When I lost about forty pounds right after my MS diagnosis with the motivation to be as healthy as possible, I felt and looked amazing even though I was not within my BMI at all. I was above my BMI but at a weight my doctor thought was very healthy for me, considering how heavy I'd been after the birth of my son.
When I began writing erotica, that was where I was at. I felt sexy and like nothing could stop me. At the time I remember wondering if I could maintain it and thinking that I did not want to be "one of those fat erotica writers". I mean, I physically recoiled at the thought. Over the next few years, due to various reasons - possibly the stress of having my private sexual fantasies in the public domain and/or the stress of having my work judged by the public and/or pushing my own boundaries in real life to become involved in the BDSM community in my city - I gained much of that weight back.
What happened, I think, was that, partly because of my writing accomplishments and the respect and prestige I garnered from being a published author, when I gained a little bit of weight back I still felt sexy and fabulous. Then I gained back a little more, and I still felt sexy and fabulous. I've now gained a whopping thirty pounds since that time - and I still feel sexy and fabulous.
Of course, now I'm feeling that extra weight when I go up and down the stairs and worrying about when the gaining will stop. I've gone back to Weight Watchers in order to stop my compulsive/emotional eating and not gain anymore, rather than to lose, although I'm going to try to drop about twenty pounds. I'm also walking alot more this summer and the exercise is having a great impact on my mental state as well as connecting me to my physical form in a way that is very healthy for someone who sits at their computer much of the day.
This past Saturday, my husband, kids and I went to a pool party out in the country, at the fabulous home of some friends. I wore a sundress that I'd recently bought which my daughter compliments every time I put on. Honestly, having a fashion forward ten-year-old girl tell you you look really pretty three times in an hour really makes you feel beautiful!
Since my kids are old enough to swim on their own without assistance or me worrying they are going to drown, I didn't plan on swimming myself, although I did pack my swimsuit just in case. I bought that swimsuit a year ago April in Toronto and it's the best one I've had in years - a one-piece with a tiny bit of tummy control that pushes my cleavage up quite nicely. Something like this:
The kids started to beg me to come in swimming but I felt so good in my dress I wasn't sure I wanted to brave being in a swimsuit around all those people, so I shooed them away and said maybe later.
Eventually, the mosquitoes started to emerge and I remembered how much I loved my swimsuit and how sexy I felt whenever I wore it and I thought, what the fuck? I'm going swimming! I told a friend that I was going in. She made some comment indicating that she was reluctant to get in her bathing suit which really surprised me because this woman is slim and really, really pretty. I would never have expected her to have body issues.
Anyway, I went into the house and got changed, then made my way back to the pool. And I felt great! I felt sexy and fun and like I wasn't going to miss out on a heated pool with my kids because of what anyone else might think of my body. My body is just fucking fine thank you. My tits happen to be incredible and my ass looks pretty damn good too. And we won't even talk about my legs which are two of my best features. Oh yeah, and I have sexy lips and beautiful eyes. The list goes on ;)
As I descended into the gorgeously warm water to the shrieks of delight from my kids, my pretty friend said, "Oh hell, if you're going in then I am too!" and went to change.
We both had a great time and I caught several men ogling my fantastic bosom as I frolicked in the pool. But even if I hadn't, I wouldn't have cared. For the first time in a long time I felt truly free and liberated, happy with my own body and the way it moves and jiggles when I'm having fun!
Here's to voluptuous curves and healthy bodies and the sexiness of self-confidence and the freedom of don't-give-a-fuck-ness :)