Tuesday, January 17, 2012

'Making love' versus 'fucking' or 'having sex'.



Okay, now this is just a pet peeve of mine.  If anyone here does like the term 'making love' then I do apologize for the following rant.

I cannot stand the phrase 'making love' for engaging in intimate sexual congress.  To me it is an antiquated euphemism for the act of sex between two people who hold strong feelings for one another.  To me, the terms 'fucking' or 'having sex' are much more straightforward and leave no doubt as to what is going on.   That being said, I recognize that there are all types of sex that can be had.  Sex can be quick and rough, or slow and sensual.  It can be solely a physical act to provide release, or it can be an earth shattering union of two congregate souls.  I do get that.  I just really dislike the term 'making love' to stand for the latter.  Sex is sex, after all.  The people engaging in the act are what make it what it is.

Maybe it's simply that I don't particularly care for the slow paced, super-romanticized form of sex often referred to as 'making love'.  My husband, bless his heart, was so extremely gentle and romantic with me for so long that I had to finally point out that he was beginning to put me to sleep.  Yes, it was lovely in its way, but what I longed for was the push and pull of animal appetites and greedy longing.  To put it another way, I like sex to be rough and passionate and needy and desperate.  Once I finally let him in on that little bit of info, our bed became an inferno of passion.  He realized that I wasn't a delicate flower that needed to be coaxed gently to bloom.  Hell no.  I'm a tough girl who can stand a little bit of pain, and what's more, likes it sometimes ;)  I don't always want to be seduced slowly and tantalizingly, although that is nice occasionally.  I want to be thrown down on the bed and ravaged, frankly.  But since we love each other, this kind of sex feels just as intimate and heavenly as the more tradition kind associated with the term 'making love'.  I think that two people who feel strongly for each other, can be and usually are moved to emotional heights when engaging in many different kinds of sex, be it bdsm or vanilla.



So that is why you won't find the term 'making love' in any of my books.  My characters have all kinds of sex, some of it with little forethought and little emotional connection, and some of it with a great deal of love and intimacy, even if it involves light to hardcore bdsm play.  The act of sex is so versatile that it seems a shame to relegate it into the two categories of 'fucking' and 'making love'.  It is a rainbow of delightful possibilities that, depending upon the feelings of the people involved, can be many different things.  And hallelujah for that.

~ Elizabeth

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think the phrase "making love" has outlived its usefulness and is now completely redundant. 50-60 years ago the 'romance' stopped at the closed bedroom door; 30-40 years ago, we were allowed into the bedroom - but only for a committed (or soon to be committed) couple; and this was only genteely described as a 'loving' interlude.

Over the last 20-30 years or so, the romance reader has accepted that love is not necessarily a required ingredient in a sexual encounter - at least, not at first. I suppose this is the fault of those rebellious flower-children of the 60's (of which I was one!); love is not a pre-requisite to sex. It's the thrill, the sublime enjoyment; the anticipation; and even the danger of an interaction between two people which may or may not evolve into 'love'.

So yes, 'having sex', 'raunchy sex' outright 'down-and-dirty sex', and 'fucking' are more suitably acceptable terms (and not forgetting same-sex sex either!!) in today's vocabulary. We all would like to read the HEA, and give a contented sigh at the end of a book; but a HFN is just as good (and sometimes more realistic). The journey matters, and 'having sex' is only a part of that journey :) We're only human after all!

Hugs
Carole-Ann

Elizabeth Lister said...

Thanks for the awesome comment, Carole-Ann. I love it when my posts inspire such a well thought out reply :)

Hugs back at ya,

Elizabeth

Eden Connor said...

Child of the '60's here, gonna play Devil's advocate for a moment. I believe the term 'making love' still has it's place in erotica.

In my marriage, it was a term I used to signal a need for foreplay, or even intimacy without intercourse-an item on the sex menu my husband came to enjoy after a bit of instruction.

I always sigh happily whenever I see a focused, pleasure-intensive, giving, tender scene included to break up the slam-bang, raunchy, down-n-dirty sex scenes. I have no problem with the term 'fucking', but I do believe it adds depth to the emotional intensity of a story when your male main character thinks of what he's doing to his partner as 'making love', simply because men are programmed to 'have sex' rather than 'make love'. To me, that, more than a proposal or a diamond ring, signals commitment on a man's part.

Excellent, thought-provoking blog post, Elizabeth!

Elizabeth Lister said...

Thanks for the great comment, Eden :)

~ Elizabeth

kyreadinggirl said...

I rarely have considered the euphemism "making love" until this post other than as the euphemism. Unless it's to expressly create a life...then, my husband and I strictly knew we were concentrating on making what would be the living embodiment of our love--our son. And that truly was the most magical time for us. Other than that, I think you're right, Elizabeth, you might have to point men in the right direction a bit more--but ultimately it's a continuum of slow and sensual to fast and furious!

Ann Roberts
Kyreadinggirl@yahoo.com