I have had weight issues since my twenties. I have lost weight a few times, only to put it back on. I was at my heaviest (not telling how much) when pregnant with my second child. Then, a couple of years ago, I got rid of the weight from two pregnancies and looked and felt better than I had in a long time.
Now I am falling back into my old habits and seem to feel hungry all the time.
But I kind of had an epiphany today. I think I am eating in order to hide from myself and the world. This whole adventure of becoming a published author of m/m romance, while it has been amazing and exciting, is also scary as shit. I have put my deepest, most erotic fantasies out there for anyone to see. I have not really used a pen name. Although Elizabeth is my middle name, everyone knows it is me, even my neighbours. I refuse to hide, because I see nothing wrong with what I write. But it is still a very personal part of me that is now out there for the world to see.
MLR Press just published my second book, The Crush. I am worried that it is not as good as my first book. What if people don't like it as much as Exposure because it doesn't have the 'character with a disability' angle? What if it tanks? I act all brave online but, at times, I am a quivering, frightened mess.
I am also becoming friends with many very attractive gay men, both online and face to face. It is great, but I cannot deny that it revs my engine too. I worry all the time that I am being too forward or exposing too much my fascination with and attraction to gay men. I'm not afraid that they are going to hit on me or anything (I am a woman, after all, and not a spring chicken). I'm afraid they are going to find it distasteful or exploitative.
I'm also allowing myself to delve into the leather/kink community a little. I have always had a yen to explore this lifestyle, not necessarily as a participant, but definitely as an observer. But I'm afraid of my own desires. What if I really like what I see? What if I want to try something that my husband isn't interested in?
I think that I am turning to food to anaesthetize this feeling of fear and exposure. And, I suppose, to hide myself in a fat suit so that I won't have to deal with my own sexual power.
I love my husband and would never cheat on him. I need him in so many ways and feel blessed to have him in my life. I don't want him to feel like I am yearning for something that he can't give me. Because I'm not. He gives me everything and then some. He is open to trying pretty much anything in the bedroom.
Ever since I figured this out this morning, I haven't felt tempted to overeat. I've decided that I don't want to be fat. Chubby, voluptuous, I can deal with. Once I get below 160 lbs my ass starts to disappear anyway. Right now, at about 180 lbs, my ass is perfect. My belly and boobs, though, are getting a little out of control. I know if I can lose 10-15 lbs I will look much more proportional. And sexy. And bloody gorgeous (for a 42 year-old mom). If I can just find another way to deal with this ever present fear. Of not being good enough. Of being so 'out there'. Of being slightly perverted. Lol.
Maybe instead of turning to food, I can turn to sex. I know my husband would be on board with that. Literally ;)